Yesterday was a very very bad day. I’m not going to go into details because it would be a short book, but trust me it was one of the worst days I have had in recent times.
Today was great though! Well, for the most part. I will itemize the good and the bad for you:
- Reached one of my short term weight goals.
- Got the lawn mowed.
- Fit into a shirt I haven’t been able to wear for a while.
- Went to my first therapy session.
- Went to Gulley Park to let Jonah play with his friend Micah and we had a blast.
- Walked around the mall a little with Jules and Jonah.
- Had pizza made with naan bread. YUMMY!
- Got to hear my son laugh so much and so hard from me running around the house acting like a turkey that lost his mind!
- Got to have a really nice dinner with Jules and watch definitely, maybe.
- Missed turning in three assignments because I chose to spend time with my son today instead of having a very stressful day of trying to fit a weeks worth of reading in three classes into one day. Which has confirmed my decision to drop out of school until at least Jonah starts school.
This is a happy face, not a sad face.
Tomorrow will be a very stressful bad day as I try to complete a big project and play catch up so I don’t completely fail these classes…
As you may know if you read my past post I have been dealing with a lot of depression and stuff for a while now. It has been messing up a lot of stuff in my life and has been making it very hard for me to be okay with some stuff and to enjoy other stuff. However, the past week has been overall pretty good. Not to say I haven’t been dealing with the same problems, but I have been able to try to focus myself on the positive most of the time. This has been helped by the fact that I know I will be starting therapy this Friday. I’m pretty excited about it because I think being able to talk everything out with someone who doesn’t have a bias in the situation will be incredibly helpful.
This past week or so I have also been evaluating the things in my life that cause stress and unhappiness, and there have been a few things that I have identified that I am going to be changing.
First of all there is the people I let in my life. I mostly have control over who I decide to interact with, at least outside of work I do. So there are many people in my life that more often than not are not pleasant to interact with. So these people will be phased out of my life. I say phased out because I am not good at conflict and I couldn’t imagine telling someone I don’t want to associate with them anymore. Not that I haven’t indirectly done that before, but I would rather do a phased out approach.
Second is my weight. I have really high blood pressure and am also sick of being fat. I have been doing really well at losing weight on the days that I work. I am not really on a diet I am just making smarter choices and being more aware of what I am eating. However, on the days I am off I have not been doing so well. We have a very busy/stressful life right now and so we often take the easy way out and pick poor food choices, but that stops now!
The final thing that I am going to be changing is the amount of time I am spending with my son. I do not spend near enough time with him. Not just because of work, but also because of school and all of my adult responsibilities. Plus when I do have time to spend with him I am usually stressing over school or am depressed about stuff or something else that takes me emotionally away from the situation. So I am looking at the things I can control in that situation and changing them. I am hoping that therapy will help me live more in the moment and not be stressing all the time, but I don’t really know what to expect from it. The one thing that I know I can control is school. I think that after this semester I will be taking an unknown amount of time off from school. Maybe forever, but maybe just till I can get my mental and emotional stuff worked out. All I know is that right now I am missing too much of Jonah growing up and I don’t want to look back and not remember all the amazing stuff that happens.
So that is what is going on with me right now.
Also today is probably one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time. I didn’t get all the homework I was supposed to do done and I didn’t mow the lawn, sorry neighbors, but I got to spend a lot of one on one time with Jonah and it was amazing. We didn’t do anything special, but sometimes all it takes is laying on the couch and letting him climb and roll around on you to make your day. He is such an incredible kid and I am so happy to have him in my life.
I’m working on finding out everything I need to know to drop my philosophy class, but even with that load off my plate I still feel overloaded.
I’m having a really hard time getting motivated to do my reading because it seems like I am so far behind. It is especially hard because I am a slow reader. It’s not that I don’t know the words I am reading or don’t understand the concepts that are being talked about. It’s many reasons really. For instance it is very hard for me to find a comfortable position to read in that won’t lead to a sore neck or back or something. If I get too comfortable while reading I end up just falling asleep. It is very hard for me to focus on reading. My mind is always racing from one thought to the next. It seems like I always have stuff that I have to figure out like budget/bills, work, finding ways to move stuff around the house so that Jonah can’t get to them and break them or get hurt, or sometimes just random crap. When I do clear my mind and try to read it is still hard because sometimes it is hard to focus on the words on the page and sometimes I have to reread lines because they didn’t make sense only to find that I inserted words into the sentence that were not really there.
Since I’m so behind I keep finding myself just reading enough to complete the assignments and make a half-assed attempt at doing my discussion posts. I hate doing this because I know it will bite me in the ass later, but I don’t really have much of a choice.
It also really doesn’t help that Jonah has been waking up anywhere between 3:30 and 5:00 am lately. It just really kills productivity around here.
I am just hoping that I can manage a pretty good grade in these classes so they don’t mess up my GPA too bad.
While Julie was growing Jonah and when he was very little I always talked about things I wanted to make sure I did with Jonah that it seems many people ignore.
One of the big things is that it seems like most people don’t take the time to let their kids feel important. I see people in the grocery store all the time ignoring their children or dismissing them when they are trying to show their parent something. Or parents who wont let their kids “help” them because it will make whatever they are doing take longer. I hate seeing this and I did not want to do that to Jonah.
Sadly I am already falling into that. Jonah is currently in a phase where he wants to grab us by the finger and lead us around the house. I am not sure what he is doing or showing us, but I assume he does. Sadly lately I have been telling him “I can’t do that right now” far more than I am letting him do that. I hate that I am doing that and I can’t let it continue and I especially can’t let it get worse.
The problem is I am at work for more than 48 hours (with drive times) every week monday through Thursday. In addition to that I am also in school right now. I am taking four classing online at University of Arkansas at Little Rock. Which I am finding it very difficult to keep up with.
In the rare case of having some down time I am really trying to keep up with learning piano and I enjoy being able to watch a little TV with Julie before bed, of course those usually happen after Jonah is in bed.
The bottom line is I have too much on my plate… I have to get rid of something…
So I have decided to look into dropping one of my classes and from now on I am only going to take two classes at a time. This is going to double my time to graduation, but I just refuse to miss out on time with Jonah. He is and should be my number one priority in life.
The snow this week has put me out of work for two days now, and I don’t see me being able to go tomorrow either. This is kind of nice in some ways, and really crappy in others.
I worked Monday before everything hit, but I only had about 6 hours of paid time off to cover the so far 24 hours of work I have missed. If I don’t get to go tomorrow it will be 36 hours of work missed (30 of those unpaid). That is going to be a crappy paycheck for sure. I guess on the bright side I just received my student loan money and will be getting tax return money some time (I guess I should do my taxes soon).
You would think that I would be able to get a bunch of school work done in these two days, but no, no I didn’t. Yesterday we were all very tired and every time I tried to read I would just start falling asleep. Plus Julie had assignments she had to get done so the first half of the day I was watching over Jonah. Today I don’t even know where the day has gone. It doesn’t seem like it should be this late. I tried reading my school stuff but kept falling asleep so I decided to take a nap. That was probably the most productive thing I have done all day!
If I am out of work tomorrow I am going to have to buckle down and read all my stuff and get my assignments done… I hope…
I have been a neglectful blogger lately. Not really by choice though. School has been taking up so much of my time. I am finding it very difficult to keep up with my reading for my classes. I really wanted to get ahead on my reading last weekend, but that didn’t happen. It took me much longer than I expected to do the weeks reading and discussions. I also had an assignment due for Sociology that I spaced out on and missed the due date.
I sometimes have down time at work were I could read for school. The only problem is I tend to get so tired past 6pm that I start to fall asleep while reading. I will end up reading two or three pages and then realize I don’t know what the hell I just read!
Sadly this little post has taken me three days to write! I will be writing a more substantial post today or tomorrow.
I got a lot of school work done and I feel a lot more comfortable taking some time tomorrow to spend with Julie and Jonah.
Unfortunately this snow day kicked my diet’s ass. I’m not going to go into details but let’s say I am going to avoid the scale for a few days…