Focusing on what I can control…

As you may know if you read my past post I have been dealing with a lot of depression and stuff for a while now. It has been messing up a lot of stuff in my life and has been making it very hard for me to be okay with some stuff and to enjoy other stuff. However, the past week has been overall pretty good. Not to say I haven’t been dealing with the same problems, but I have been able to try to focus myself on the positive most of the time. This has been helped by the fact that I know I will be starting therapy this Friday. I’m pretty excited about it because I think being able to talk everything out with someone who doesn’t have a bias in the situation will be incredibly helpful.

This past week or so I have also been evaluating the things in my life that cause stress and unhappiness, and there have been a few things that I have identified that I am going to be changing.

First of all there is the people I let in my life. I mostly have control over who I decide to interact with, at least outside of work I do. So there are many people in my life that more often than not are not pleasant to interact with. So these people will be phased out of my life. I say phased out because I am not good at conflict and I couldn’t imagine telling someone I don’t want to associate with them anymore. Not that I haven’t indirectly done that before, but I would rather do a phased out approach.

Second is my weight. I have really high blood pressure and am also sick of being fat. I  have been doing really well at losing weight on the days that I work. I am not really on a diet I am just making smarter choices and being more aware of what I am eating. However, on the days I am off I have not been doing so well. We have a very busy/stressful life right now and so we often take the easy way out and pick poor food choices, but that stops now!

The final thing that I am going to be changing is the amount of time I am spending with my son. I do not spend near enough time with him. Not just because of work, but also because of school and all of my adult responsibilities. Plus when I do have time to spend with him I am usually stressing over school or am depressed about stuff or something else that takes me emotionally away from the situation. So I am looking at the things I can control in that situation and changing them. I am hoping that therapy will help me live more in the moment and not be stressing all the time, but I don’t really know what to expect from it. The one thing that I know I can control is school. I think that after this semester I will be taking an unknown amount of time off from school. Maybe forever, but maybe just till I can get my mental and emotional stuff worked out. All I know is that right now I am missing too much of Jonah growing up and I don’t want to look back and not remember all the amazing stuff that happens.

So that is what is going on with me right now.

Also today is probably one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time. I didn’t get all the homework I was supposed to do done and I didn’t mow the lawn, sorry neighbors, but I got to spend a lot of one on one time with Jonah and it was amazing. We didn’t do anything special, but sometimes all it takes is laying on the couch and letting him climb and roll around on you to make your day. He is such an incredible kid and I am so happy to have him in my life.

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