I really hate not knowing how to really express what I want to. I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression lately (ok maybe a few years), but I really feel guilty about. I feel like I should not be getting depressed all the time. I have an amazing wife and son that I love beyond words can tell. I have a job that is secure, pays very well, has great benefits, and I have a 3 day weekend that is always Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I have a home that we are buying. We have 2 cars that are fully paid for. I make enough money that Julie doesn’t have to work a traditional job and can stay home with Jonah.
So it seems like I really don’t have much to complain about and be depressed about, but I do feel depressed a lot.
(I understand many people have it worse than me, but let’s be honest, that has nothing to do with my life and I should not feel like I should settle for less just because others have it worse)
My job is technically great, but I don’t want to be doing it anymore. It is just not really a good fit for me. I drive around a lot and have long drives to sit there and think and worry about stuff. Did I mention I worry a lot and about just about everything? I work 12 hours from 9am to 9pm so for four days I barely see Jonah, and that freaking kills me. He wakes up about 7am now and I have to leave for work at 8:45am and then I don’t see him awake till the next morning when he wakes up. I very often feel like I am not good at my job and somedays I can’t remember basic stuff that I should really remember how to do. Most, if not all, of my coworkers don’t like me. Even though I do not directly work with anyone this does limit my list of people to call when I don’t know what I am doing. Then there’s the fact that half of the work I do I just dislike doing.
I’m going to school online at University of Arkansas at Little Rock for a liberal arts degree. I really wish that there was a way that I could go on campus and study something more focused than a liberal arts degree. I really don’t feel like I am getting a good education because of the way online schooling works. It just doesn’t match up with my learning style. I don’t really know what I want to actually study, but I just want to feel that I am skilled and well trained in what I am doing.
At some point in my life I got the impression that I was really smart and was “supposed” to be doing something great with my life, and I just don’t feel like I am on track to do anything great. As time goes on I find myself feeling less intelligent and further trapped in my current situation. The fact that we are making it day to day with very little wiggle room and all the limitations that current obligations and responsibilities put on my options I find myself not having any choices in anything. We have to live were we do because of the housing market and the limited time we have been in our home. I have to have this job because of the benefits and pay that are unmatched by any other job I am qualified for. I have to go to school online because I have to keep the job I have.
I just generally don’t feel in control of my life and that is very depressing to me. I also feel like I have very little time to focus on doing the things I want to do. I have wanted to learn a lot of things for a long time, but I never am able to find a proper amount of time to dedicate to them to actually get somewhere with them. Some of the things it seems like I would be really good at if I just had the time to dedicate to them. It is just hard for me to deal with the fact that I only have this one life to live and I am having to spend most of that time doing things that make me sad and depressed. I just want to enjoy more of my life than I dislike.